Behind Closed Doors

It is widely believed that Elvis Presley died on his while wearing a diaper and enjoying one of his grilled peanut butter, banana, honey and bacon sandwiches. Madonna allegedly insists hers has a new seat fitted every day after having the sealed item inspected by her staff. People do have the strangest habits when it comes to their toilets – and the Germans (while not quite so anal, if you excuse the pun) are no exception.

According to a new survey commissioned by toilet paper firm Zewa-- presumably instigated by people at the company who have nothing better to do -- 52 percent of the Germans polled admitted to either pondering world events or catching up on literature of choice while on the porcelain throne.

It seems that the country which has given the world many great thinkers and poets continues to be filled by people who take every opportunity to read, even when they are "lightening the load." German men tend to favor computer magazines and daily newspapers to help "grease the wheels" while some, 18 percent in fact, even take the opportunity to analyze instruction manuals. Their womenfolk, meanwhile, prefer to pass the time with celebrity magazines and novels.

Men take their sweet time

German men also seem to take longer to get through their ablutions and reading material than German women. The study shows that 34 percent of men spend between five and ten minutes on the toilet, which is unsurprising given the level of technical language and geopolitical debate in their chosen reading material. Real connoisseurs, some 16 percent of those polled, go from cover to cover in mammoth sessions lasting between ten and 15 minutes.

The ladies seem to have a Pavlovian response to reading on the toilet with 49 percent of them getting in and out between two to five minutes, giving them barely enough time to flick a page of their favored spy or suspense paperback. (Apparently romantic fiction does not sit well on the toilet.)

Not all Germans combine bowel movements with a spot of light reading. The survey shows that 34 percent of Germans actually do nothing other than what nature intended when they go to the lavatory. These must be the thinkers, rather than the poets.

Music lovers go for an iPoo

Young Germans bring their own modern take on passing time in the smallest room in the house. The survey showed that 26 percent of 14-29 year olds listen to music on the loo. One can only speculate whether specific playlists are compiled for these visits. If they are, one might assume that songs like "(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction" by the Rolling Stones and "Can’t Stand the Strain" by Funkadelic would be omitted.

The same percentage of 14-29 year olds also send SMS messages while going through the motions. The mind boggles at what information these messages could possibly contain.

Elsewhere in the study, statistics point to a trend of more leisurely visits in the twilight years of life with almost half of those polled over 50 years old saying they do absolutely nothing in the toilet. This 49 percent obviously need more roughage in their diet.

There are also regional differences in toilet habits within Germany. Just less than half of those inhabitants from Mecklenburg-West Pomerania who were polled tend to day-dream during their nirvana-esque bouts of relief-inspired enlightenment.

I did it "My Way"

Meanwhile, the toilets of Saxony-Anhalt are alive with the sound of incumbents crooning "My Way", with ten percent of those polled admitting to making the most of the acoustics by belting out a few show tunes and standards while relieving themselves.

It certainly seems that anything goes in Germany once that sign on the door flips from "vacant" to "occupied." So now you know...